Experience, not learning...
Unknowingly we accepted our duty, entering into the stage that we would eventually discover to have made a profound impact on us, an eternal slavery. Destined for change, our dreams, innocent thoughts, our ideals were shaped and moulded.
What were we expecting when we entered the grounds, surrounded by many just like ourselves? Did we have any expectations at all? We were taken up in the heat of the moment. Undergoing, after all, the biggest step in any child's life. Pawns in battle, sacrificed...
Events, we can look back on, subconsciously evaluating, good or bad. It wasn't one of those. There can be no overall 'average'. The memories came from the tremendous highs and unbearable lows.
The latter half of what could be regarded as your formal education is intimidating. The whole complex sub-system of the 'community' is evolving; you yourself, your friends and the people around you. Attitudes, opinions, reputations and feelings. What to say? How to act? What to do? The vicious circle of attempting to gain the acceptance and acknowledgment of others. A game of self-confidence and showmanship, which is never quite as it appears on the surface. Forces are working against you, conscious of them or not. In a roundabout manner, the ploy is about accepting yourself.
In the words of an insightful modern-day philosopher: 'Don't worry, be happy!'
So what are the highlights? The experiences, friendships, understanding the deep personalities of those around you. The realisation that underneath, everyone is alike, and that in our situation, we are all leaning in the same direction. But most importantly we are not going solo. Just being there, being involved. The best years of life? Best? Life?
Amongst all of this, the ongoing stress, right from the beginning. We are one in a team, pitted against incredible odds. Why? What have we done to deserve this? Life revolves around a seemingly pointless goal, always just out of reach. The pain. Where are we going? It is worthwhile, isn't it?
So many choices to make, every one more vital than the last. The inevitable depression. What would it be like without? That is the unasked question. The decision was not ours. It is part of our destiny, our fate.
There are ways and means. Of course it is less painful on those who try not to struggle. If you behave as you are expected, accepting that which is forced upon you without question. But for those courageous enough to challenge the values and means... the death is slow and painful as they are absorbed by the monster itself.
The gruelling marathon. This does not end. We can never reach those heights. Then finally you turn around, realising that this is the thirteenth year of education, and that 'Hey, where did it all go?' There was a strange sense of security. The road may have become continually more steep and rocky, but there always was a path to follow. There was someone trudging along beside you.
As the view of fond childhood memories slowly begins to fade, we wonder what fun was. Maybe it is time to take a step back and revisit it all. But the road is changing and there isn't time to stop and ponder. It is a feeling of uncertainty that leeches in. The terror of being caught up in the torrent of life. Having no decision, because maybe things were OK as they were. No, wait! I don't want change!
Ben Sturmfels